I can’t even right now

My head has been spinning with obligations for a few days and I feel the need to write about life right now. I have a boyfriend that I feel like I’ve been waiting to meet since I was 16, but he’s going back to Japan in June and my heart breaks a little bit every time he makes me feel amazing. He started singing Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance the other day and I couldn’t believe it. When he kisses me, he always says “Why are you so cute?”. He always opens doors for me and then when he doesn’t, he says “oh, I’m sorry”. He’s really nice to everybody and always makes sure everybody feels included. He always makes me feel like a princess and I love the way he fucks me. 

In my Tea Ceremony class, we’re learning about Eastern religions and how living in the now is crucial to happiness. Also, to take the good just as equally as the bad. So I’m trying to just love him as much as I can right now while he is still here, but it’s hard for me not to be internally broken because he’s leaving. I sort of tried talking to him about it once, but he said he doesn’t really think about it that much. I just don’t really know what to do. It’s interesting to think about life and lovers and marriage and kids. I have such strong feelings for him, I really don’t want to give him up for anything. 

Also, part of me is scared that my friendships won’t last. Like, that I won’t have the “porch” friend group (i.e. How I Met Your Mother). I feel like only I understand me. And as I just typed that, I realize how fucking emo that sounds, but it’s actually true. Is it because I’ve been listening to The Black Parade album while I’ve been writing this? When I think of people I can count on, I think of my brother, Dom, Trevor, Morgan, Gaby, my parents, and…. That’s mainly it. 

So are we just gonna break up when he leaves? Or will we try to do long distance? I just don’t know :((((

Also, let me make this fucking list:

-Outline for Japanese (due in the morning)


-job application for next year

-review Tea Ceremony shit before Thursday’s class