ひさしぶり

It’s been awhile since I’ve written a post on here, but I have a lot of feels that I need to get out. 

So… in the past, I have had a habit of falling hard and fast for people. I have a dude I’m currently interested in. At first, I was sort of objectifying him and just wondered what he’d be like in bed, but as I’m hanging out with him, I’m finding that I actually like him a lot. He’s the cutest damn thing, he’s nice to me, he says sweet and cheesy things, and he’s very fun and loud. 🙂 

So I’m at this point right now where I’m thinking about him all damn day, I could barely pay attention in class today. He’s stayed with me to wait for the bus for a couple different nights now, and last night we sat really close and our faces get really close when we talk. He told me I have a really nice smile and I kind of died. When we’re together, everything feels so natural. Like, we ran into a couple of his friends when we went out for dinner last night and for some reason everything just felt right. I just don’t want to be getting ahead of myself! Also, he’s from Japan and he’s going back in June. That kind of kills me and I don’t even know him that well yet. But if I’ve learned anything about life, it’s that if you like being with someone, you should fucking love hard. I’m just nervous about making a move, I’m just sort of scared about what could happen. But more in a way of awe than fear of rejection. I can tell there’s something between us, but I’m not sure if he thinks about me that much. Honestly, I have no fucking idea. I should probably just not think so much about that part. 

So… I’m wondering if I should try to make a move before he leaves for Japan for Spring Break, which is this Tuesday. If so, I’ve got less than a week and I’m nervous about inviting him over or something like that. There has to be some sort of reason for us to get together and I’m kinda stumped. What should I do? 

*sigh* Seriously though, his hand kind of touched my thigh yesterday, but it didn’t feel like it was on accident. Anyway, my stomach flopped when that happened. I’m already in too deep. 

I mean, ever since October, I’ve been seeing a particular friend with benefits at least like once a week and it got me thinking about sex in a different way. Like I wanted to experience sex with more people and get more notches in my belt just because I can. But when I really like someone, I don’t care about that stuff. I haven’t gotten laid in over a week, so I’m really damn horny, but I don’t feel so inclined to give my friend a booty call because I’m into this Japanese guy now. 

I don’t know, it’s interesting. I feel like I’ve already thought about this too much and if he’s not into me for whatever reason, I will get crushed. Thankfully I’ve gotten a lot of practice dismissing heartbroken emotions. So I know I’ll be okay. 

I think the reason I haven’t made a move yet is that I am really enjoying feeling all of these emotions we’re going through together and I don’t want to rush what will probably come naturally. It makes me excited. 🙂 Wish me luck, I’ll probably text him before he leaves! eeeeep

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I wanna rock!

My friend Marian introduced me to an anime called Otome Youkai Zakuro, and I LOVE IT. SO MANY FEELS. It’s very unique and there’s not even shameless fanservice. Quality fucking show, here.

Anywho, I am planning on going to my ex-band mate’s birthday party with a good buddy of mine that was our stand-in drummer for like 6 months. ;P That’ll take place in about two and a half weeks, I think. It will be nice to see her and all of those other musicians again. I miss performing rock music SO MUCH.

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That photo was taken by the guy I want to get with. ;P I’m the chick with the bass, the drummer friend I’ll be going to that party with is the one on the drums (he wore a wig, lipstick, and eyeliner! we were an all-girl band, so he wanted to fit in. XD), and the one who’s birthday it is is the chick on the far left of the photo with a yellow guitar.

*sigh*

I hope I can find people to jam out with soon, I’m starting to go crazy without it.
Anyway, I’d better head off to bed (or try). It’s nearly 3AM! 

Heart you all.

Hangin’ in Seattle

Hey all! I’m in Seattle right now! What I’m about to say totally goes against what I said in my last post, but it’s how I’m feeling, so…
I don’t feel like I’m beautiful. :/
I made a brief appearance at a low-key company party that I took my mom to, and she told me today that a bunch of people approached her and were like, “your daughter is so beautiful!” and “does she always smile like that?” and various other compliments like that. No one ever tells me things like this unless they’re around my mom’s age, or are my mom or dad. 

Seriously!

Guys my age never tell me I’m beautiful! And my mom says it all the time, and it’s kind of sad that no one else really seems to think so. 

And no, I’m not posting this fishing for compliments, that’s what photobooth and facebook are for. I know I don’t really have any followers anyway. : P
I feel like I want to put more effort into looking good. This character from Chihayafuru season 2 sort of made me realize it.

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I feel like her character is extreme about her looks, and she’s really self-centered, but I want to care at least a little bit about looking pretty. Maybe people would compliment me more often if I did.
The thing is, I have REALLY BAD HABITS:
-picking at my fingernails (and toenails) when they get even a tiny bit long. My first instinct should be to go to the clippers, but I have been picking at my nails for as long as I can remember.
-picking scabs. If I get a zit on my face, I have to try and pop it, and then if it becomes a scab, I have to pick it, let it heal, pick it, let it heal… I hate this about myself! I really want to stop these gross habits!
I want to maintain pretty fingernails and nice skin. 

Just putting my thoughts out.
That’s what wordpress is for! 

Ruv roo all.

Feering Ronrey

Hi, this is what I looked like today. ;P

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There were some very annoying girls that I sat next to today in a study-area/cafe at my school. They talked very loudly and were probably running start students. But they seemed like really close friends, like they probably hang out all the time. 

Also, I was snooping around a friend’s facebook page and noticed that they were making a reference to How I Met Your Mother that I understood and thought was funny, but it felt very lonely for me, because I started watching that show by myself after I broke up with my boyfriend. 

I guess what I’m getting at here is that I’m quite a solitary person. But ever since I started taking anti-depressants, I’ve really enjoyed my alone time. A lot. Today I just felt quite lonely. Another thing that happened was, when I was driving my mom and I home tonight, my mom was rooting around in the passenger seat looking for some cord and she sort of distracted me and I swerved a little bit. She snipped at me a little for it and I said it was only because she was rooting around and she said, “well what if you have a friend in the car with you and they do the same thing?”. It was only then that I began to think about this stuff, because I never have any friends in the passenger seat. Ever. It’s only me, or me and my mom, or me and my dad, or me and my mom and one of my mom’s friends. 

I feel like it’s so hard to have a close relationship with any of my friends since my best friend for 5 years royally fucked me over about 3 years ago. I still dream about her most nights. 

I really want to spend time with my friends. I need to do something fun so bad, and I need to spend my vast amounts of alone time more productively. 

Sorry about this weird post, I needed to get my thoughts out. My life is so weird. 

おやすみなさい。<3