I can’t even right now

My head has been spinning with obligations for a few days and I feel the need to write about life right now. I have a boyfriend that I feel like I’ve been waiting to meet since I was 16, but he’s going back to Japan in June and my heart breaks a little bit every time he makes me feel amazing. He started singing Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance the other day and I couldn’t believe it. When he kisses me, he always says “Why are you so cute?”. He always opens doors for me and then when he doesn’t, he says “oh, I’m sorry”. He’s really nice to everybody and always makes sure everybody feels included. He always makes me feel like a princess and I love the way he fucks me. 

In my Tea Ceremony class, we’re learning about Eastern religions and how living in the now is crucial to happiness. Also, to take the good just as equally as the bad. So I’m trying to just love him as much as I can right now while he is still here, but it’s hard for me not to be internally broken because he’s leaving. I sort of tried talking to him about it once, but he said he doesn’t really think about it that much. I just don’t really know what to do. It’s interesting to think about life and lovers and marriage and kids. I have such strong feelings for him, I really don’t want to give him up for anything. 

Also, part of me is scared that my friendships won’t last. Like, that I won’t have the “porch” friend group (i.e. How I Met Your Mother). I feel like only I understand me. And as I just typed that, I realize how fucking emo that sounds, but it’s actually true. Is it because I’ve been listening to The Black Parade album while I’ve been writing this? When I think of people I can count on, I think of my brother, Dom, Trevor, Morgan, Gaby, my parents, and…. That’s mainly it. 

So are we just gonna break up when he leaves? Or will we try to do long distance? I just don’t know :((((

Also, let me make this fucking list:

-Outline for Japanese (due in the morning)

-TEST THURSDAY

-job application for next year

-review Tea Ceremony shit before Thursday’s class

-FUUUUUCK

 

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Slightly raunchy, but whatever

Alriiiight. So!

I have not updated on the Japanese dude situation. So… I saw him on Friday and as we were saying goodbye in front of the most popular library on campus, we hugged for a long time. Since this made me pretty confident that he was down with me, I decided to just go for it after we broke apart. I kissed him, and he kissed me back, and the world all made sense for a few minutes. After doing the whole “ok, we’re leaving now” thing and then kissing more anyway, I finally left to go home. He was busy during the weekend with various shit, but I saw him again today, and honestly, he makes me feel amazing. Which scares me. It makes me feel vulnerable. But he says the sweetest things that don’t make any sense. Like, “your thigh is charming” hahahaha I can’t believe he said that, he’s so fucking cute. And he said he feels cozy with me. 🙂 I just really like him a lot and I really hope that he doesn’t suddenly stop talking to me after our eventual sexy times. For some reason I’m always afraid of that happening, even though it’s only ever happened once. It was one of the hardest things for me to go through, so that’s probably why. 

Basically though, I was super wet today after making out with him on this bench outside for a couple of hours. He was sort of touching me between my legs, but not indecently so (if that makes any sense). I told him I like pain and he lightly bit my neck and it was so amazing. I need to tell him that harder is better though, if I say it in Japanese, that would probably do the trick.
I really wanted to just get on top of him and do my thing, but we were in public, so… that wouldn’t exactly have been a good idea. I did tell him though that he should come over early on the 30th for this party I’m having so that we can “do things” before people get here. I really want him so bad, but part of me is really scared that he’ll be done with me afterwards. The other part of me says “life is short, love hard!”. 

He’s so cute though, I don’t think he’s capable of treachery. He seems so gentle and kind, and he tastes like rosemary! Oh, and he is always super gentlemanly when we go out to eat somewhere. He always asks me if I want water or whatever else. I’m afraid of getting attached to him because he’s leaving in June. But I really just want to be with him while he’s here, he’s the cutest fucking thing. 

Ahhhh ❤ ❤ ❤

Unexpected Kiss

My night took an unexpected turn of events for sure!

I was SUPPOSED to hang out with a couple of my friends and make characters for DnD. I’ve never played before and thought it might be fun to start. Alas, the plans got cancelled and by the time I was notified I was already eating at one of my favorite asian restaurants 15 minutes away from home. So I figured, since I’m only in town for a few more days, I may as well take one last trip out to Powell’s.

I went by myself because it’s nice to be able to explore everything without having to worry about someone else’s agenda. So I spent a while looking at all the manga and just generally perusing the store and I decided to sit down at the cafe with a K-On manga (I think it was just called K-On College or something). After about 10 or so minutes of reading, this guy sat one seat away from me and I immediately recognized him as the super cute guitar player guy from my community college that always hung out in the music building. I always thought he was a really good looking guy, but back then I didn’t have the balls to talk to hot strangers. So he looks at me and says “do you happen to know what time it is?”. And I said “it’s 7:53… by the way, don’t I know you from Clark?”. So we ended up talking for a couple of hours! He likes Seinfeld and the smell of old books. Even though he lives in Vancouver, he likes coming out to Powell’s to read and appreciate the atmosphere. He’s also kind of weird and awkward. But I know I am too. ;p

Anyway, when 10 o clock rolls around, he says “well, I should get going, but do you want to come have some coffee with me or something before you go?” (cause obviously I told him about how I’m leaving for Seattle this Saturday). So he put his number in my phone and he was SO slow typing out his name! It’s always weird to meet someone around my age that sucks at texting (he’s 26, by the way. that seems to be the age of dude that I attract).

So we leave Powell’s together and I walked him to his car and as I was saying bye, he went to hug me and when I was pulling away from the hug, he pulled me in and started making out with me! I was in complete shock! Then I asked him if that was any good because my ex told me that I sucked at kissing (he didn’t say that exactly, but that was his overall message) and he said “yeah, you’re really good at that, I want to do it again”. It was a bit awkward, but what kisses aren’t awkward at the beginning? It was nice though. And I find it odd that this happened to me today because I had a dream last night that I was kissing this guy that I have been sort of pining over for quite awhile (not in an “I love you way”, but rather an “I want to push you up against the wall and have my way with you” way). I wasn’t expecting it at all though. So then he says “well let’s get together and continue this sometime”.

Crazy, huh?? I’m really realizing at this point in my life that I seem to be someone that people are attracted to! I never really thought of myself that way, but the more people I meet, the more this seems to be true. And get this, this is what I was wearing:
Image

An old League of Legends T-shirt and a heavy-ish button-up shirt (both of which used to be my brother’s, by the way). Apparently dudes can dig it though! When I was on the highway going into Vancouver earlier today, this cute blond guy kept looking over at me and I eventually smiled at him and he gave me the head nod. Also, when I was in Seattle wearing the same shirt, a guy repeatedly cat-called at me when my mom and I were sitting at a stoplight. I think the shirt possesses magical qualities! It’s not in any way sexy, but it sure gets the job done.

Also, I thought it was funny that I had to mentally stop my hand from grabbing his ass when we were kissing. I just realized tonight that if I’m standing up while kissing somebody, my right hand starts playing with their hair and my left hand goes for their ass.

There you go though. I have something to consider before I leave. ;p