I can’t even right now

My head has been spinning with obligations for a few days and I feel the need to write about life right now. I have a boyfriend that I feel like I’ve been waiting to meet since I was 16, but he’s going back to Japan in June and my heart breaks a little bit every time he makes me feel amazing. He started singing Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance the other day and I couldn’t believe it. When he kisses me, he always says “Why are you so cute?”. He always opens doors for me and then when he doesn’t, he says “oh, I’m sorry”. He’s really nice to everybody and always makes sure everybody feels included. He always makes me feel like a princess and I love the way he fucks me. 

In my Tea Ceremony class, we’re learning about Eastern religions and how living in the now is crucial to happiness. Also, to take the good just as equally as the bad. So I’m trying to just love him as much as I can right now while he is still here, but it’s hard for me not to be internally broken because he’s leaving. I sort of tried talking to him about it once, but he said he doesn’t really think about it that much. I just don’t really know what to do. It’s interesting to think about life and lovers and marriage and kids. I have such strong feelings for him, I really don’t want to give him up for anything. 

Also, part of me is scared that my friendships won’t last. Like, that I won’t have the “porch” friend group (i.e. How I Met Your Mother). I feel like only I understand me. And as I just typed that, I realize how fucking emo that sounds, but it’s actually true. Is it because I’ve been listening to The Black Parade album while I’ve been writing this? When I think of people I can count on, I think of my brother, Dom, Trevor, Morgan, Gaby, my parents, and…. That’s mainly it. 

So are we just gonna break up when he leaves? Or will we try to do long distance? I just don’t know :((((

Also, let me make this fucking list:

-Outline for Japanese (due in the morning)

-TEST THURSDAY

-job application for next year

-review Tea Ceremony shit before Thursday’s class

-FUUUUUCK

 

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Slightly raunchy, but whatever

Alriiiight. So!

I have not updated on the Japanese dude situation. So… I saw him on Friday and as we were saying goodbye in front of the most popular library on campus, we hugged for a long time. Since this made me pretty confident that he was down with me, I decided to just go for it after we broke apart. I kissed him, and he kissed me back, and the world all made sense for a few minutes. After doing the whole “ok, we’re leaving now” thing and then kissing more anyway, I finally left to go home. He was busy during the weekend with various shit, but I saw him again today, and honestly, he makes me feel amazing. Which scares me. It makes me feel vulnerable. But he says the sweetest things that don’t make any sense. Like, “your thigh is charming” hahahaha I can’t believe he said that, he’s so fucking cute. And he said he feels cozy with me. 🙂 I just really like him a lot and I really hope that he doesn’t suddenly stop talking to me after our eventual sexy times. For some reason I’m always afraid of that happening, even though it’s only ever happened once. It was one of the hardest things for me to go through, so that’s probably why. 

Basically though, I was super wet today after making out with him on this bench outside for a couple of hours. He was sort of touching me between my legs, but not indecently so (if that makes any sense). I told him I like pain and he lightly bit my neck and it was so amazing. I need to tell him that harder is better though, if I say it in Japanese, that would probably do the trick.
I really wanted to just get on top of him and do my thing, but we were in public, so… that wouldn’t exactly have been a good idea. I did tell him though that he should come over early on the 30th for this party I’m having so that we can “do things” before people get here. I really want him so bad, but part of me is really scared that he’ll be done with me afterwards. The other part of me says “life is short, love hard!”. 

He’s so cute though, I don’t think he’s capable of treachery. He seems so gentle and kind, and he tastes like rosemary! Oh, and he is always super gentlemanly when we go out to eat somewhere. He always asks me if I want water or whatever else. I’m afraid of getting attached to him because he’s leaving in June. But I really just want to be with him while he’s here, he’s the cutest fucking thing. 

Ahhhh ❤ ❤ ❤

ひさしぶり

It’s been awhile since I’ve written a post on here, but I have a lot of feels that I need to get out. 

So… in the past, I have had a habit of falling hard and fast for people. I have a dude I’m currently interested in. At first, I was sort of objectifying him and just wondered what he’d be like in bed, but as I’m hanging out with him, I’m finding that I actually like him a lot. He’s the cutest damn thing, he’s nice to me, he says sweet and cheesy things, and he’s very fun and loud. 🙂 

So I’m at this point right now where I’m thinking about him all damn day, I could barely pay attention in class today. He’s stayed with me to wait for the bus for a couple different nights now, and last night we sat really close and our faces get really close when we talk. He told me I have a really nice smile and I kind of died. When we’re together, everything feels so natural. Like, we ran into a couple of his friends when we went out for dinner last night and for some reason everything just felt right. I just don’t want to be getting ahead of myself! Also, he’s from Japan and he’s going back in June. That kind of kills me and I don’t even know him that well yet. But if I’ve learned anything about life, it’s that if you like being with someone, you should fucking love hard. I’m just nervous about making a move, I’m just sort of scared about what could happen. But more in a way of awe than fear of rejection. I can tell there’s something between us, but I’m not sure if he thinks about me that much. Honestly, I have no fucking idea. I should probably just not think so much about that part. 

So… I’m wondering if I should try to make a move before he leaves for Japan for Spring Break, which is this Tuesday. If so, I’ve got less than a week and I’m nervous about inviting him over or something like that. There has to be some sort of reason for us to get together and I’m kinda stumped. What should I do? 

*sigh* Seriously though, his hand kind of touched my thigh yesterday, but it didn’t feel like it was on accident. Anyway, my stomach flopped when that happened. I’m already in too deep. 

I mean, ever since October, I’ve been seeing a particular friend with benefits at least like once a week and it got me thinking about sex in a different way. Like I wanted to experience sex with more people and get more notches in my belt just because I can. But when I really like someone, I don’t care about that stuff. I haven’t gotten laid in over a week, so I’m really damn horny, but I don’t feel so inclined to give my friend a booty call because I’m into this Japanese guy now. 

I don’t know, it’s interesting. I feel like I’ve already thought about this too much and if he’s not into me for whatever reason, I will get crushed. Thankfully I’ve gotten a lot of practice dismissing heartbroken emotions. So I know I’ll be okay. 

I think the reason I haven’t made a move yet is that I am really enjoying feeling all of these emotions we’re going through together and I don’t want to rush what will probably come naturally. It makes me excited. 🙂 Wish me luck, I’ll probably text him before he leaves! eeeeep

Blog Post from last week

Well it’s only my 5th day in Seattle and I’ve already pissed someone off. And I know she must have even texted my mom about it so that she’ll be disappointed in me. *sigh*

So this friend has really been excellent to me. She helped me with my college essay/application, she let my mom and I stay at her place even though she wasn’t even there herself, etc. etc., she’s been awesome to me. 

So what she said is, “I get dropped off around 7:30. If not it’s totally okay, I can always go to the library to study. :)”

And I really wanted to sleep in for like 2 more hours today. I just wanted a little bit of sleeping in time because I hadn’t gotten to de-stress yet and I’m worried about money and I just wanted 2 hours of extra sleepy time. So I told her, “well im definitely going to sleep in tomorrow because these past few days have pooped me out! but i will be studying with you soon :)”

So then she went off on me and got really upset that I wouldn’t do this one thing for her when she’s done so much for me, but I feel like she should understand that it’s my first week in town, I’m stressed the fuck out, I want 2 fucking hours of extra sleep! Is that too much to ask? Yes, it is. So now I’ll probably never get to sleep in on Thursdays because I have to fucking atone for my one selfish moment. Fuck.

And I woke up extra early for her twice already, AND I made her breakfast one of those mornings! And I woke up early to go downstairs, let her into my apartment, go back upstairs and let her inside only to have her say, “oh, my boyfriend’s here now, I have to go”. So it’s not like I’ve done nothing for her, I feel like I’ve been a good friend to her up until this point. I feel like she shouldn’t flip the fuck out so much over this one thing. I had one fucking moment of peace and I get criticized for it.

And I feel fucking terrible about it! But I don’t want to waste any more time feeling bad. There’s a certain point where feeling bad doesn’t do anything for anyone and you just have to move on. 

So I invited her over Saturday for a girl’s night and I told her we can talk this through and I can make us dinner and we can have hot cocoa and watch a movie and shit, and she hasn’t texted me back yet. I’m trying to make it better and she hasn’t answered.

These sorts of situations make me feel like I’m actually a terrible person, but I know I’m not. It was ONE FUCKING MOMENT that I wanted to myself. I haven’t even been here for a week yet, can you please give me a fucking break?? My ex was a terrible person. I know what terrible people act like. It’s not me. So let me make it up to you and get the fuck over it. 

Depression can kiss my ass!

Welp. I’ve officially got 2 days left until I move in to Seattle.

My mom and I have spent a good amount of time buying lots of shit for me and I am pretty worried about money because I found out that my financial aid won’t leave me with a whole lot of room to live, it’ll just pay for everything except food and shit. So… I have to worry about finding a student job. I really do want to get one! I’m just bad at typing out my resume… But I’m going to utilize all of my resources and bust it out like a bad-ass and I’ll be okay in no time! 🙂

Also, I sent that guy that made out with me a text the next day and said “hey, this is Kelly from Powell’s :)” and he never responded, so I’m thinking either:

-he’s a weird musician guy that doesn’t make sense

-he typed his number in wrong

-or someone deleted the text like bitches would do in Gossip Girl

I’m not broken up about it, I’m just weirded out because he’s the one that came on to me. But hey, I got to make out with a really attractive dude, so go me!

I also wanted to talk about something really cool. I was just reading about Depression a little bit, and that made me realize that I fucking beat it. I was really sad for a couple of YEARS and I was getting to the point about a year ago where I was seriously thinking that suicide would be a really good option for me. So I started taking anti-depressants to build myself back up. I took them for 9 months and my most recent ex and his good friend were strongly encouraging me to get off of my pills. So I tried weaning myself off of them. One night I woke up from a bad dream and started feeling really freaky and bad, so I went to go cuddle with my mom and she suggested I take an anti-depressant. After that episode, I continued to take them, then I later weaned off of them completely. I think it’s been at least 2 or 2 and a half months since I’ve been off of them and I feel fuckin’ fantastic! I’m confident about myself, I feel good around other people, I feel like I have control of my life! 

I beat depression!! I kicked it in the face until it bled to death! It makes me really proud of myself to realize that and I feel like I can accomplish even more things. 

I’m awesome. 

😀

Unexpected Kiss

My night took an unexpected turn of events for sure!

I was SUPPOSED to hang out with a couple of my friends and make characters for DnD. I’ve never played before and thought it might be fun to start. Alas, the plans got cancelled and by the time I was notified I was already eating at one of my favorite asian restaurants 15 minutes away from home. So I figured, since I’m only in town for a few more days, I may as well take one last trip out to Powell’s.

I went by myself because it’s nice to be able to explore everything without having to worry about someone else’s agenda. So I spent a while looking at all the manga and just generally perusing the store and I decided to sit down at the cafe with a K-On manga (I think it was just called K-On College or something). After about 10 or so minutes of reading, this guy sat one seat away from me and I immediately recognized him as the super cute guitar player guy from my community college that always hung out in the music building. I always thought he was a really good looking guy, but back then I didn’t have the balls to talk to hot strangers. So he looks at me and says “do you happen to know what time it is?”. And I said “it’s 7:53… by the way, don’t I know you from Clark?”. So we ended up talking for a couple of hours! He likes Seinfeld and the smell of old books. Even though he lives in Vancouver, he likes coming out to Powell’s to read and appreciate the atmosphere. He’s also kind of weird and awkward. But I know I am too. ;p

Anyway, when 10 o clock rolls around, he says “well, I should get going, but do you want to come have some coffee with me or something before you go?” (cause obviously I told him about how I’m leaving for Seattle this Saturday). So he put his number in my phone and he was SO slow typing out his name! It’s always weird to meet someone around my age that sucks at texting (he’s 26, by the way. that seems to be the age of dude that I attract).

So we leave Powell’s together and I walked him to his car and as I was saying bye, he went to hug me and when I was pulling away from the hug, he pulled me in and started making out with me! I was in complete shock! Then I asked him if that was any good because my ex told me that I sucked at kissing (he didn’t say that exactly, but that was his overall message) and he said “yeah, you’re really good at that, I want to do it again”. It was a bit awkward, but what kisses aren’t awkward at the beginning? It was nice though. And I find it odd that this happened to me today because I had a dream last night that I was kissing this guy that I have been sort of pining over for quite awhile (not in an “I love you way”, but rather an “I want to push you up against the wall and have my way with you” way). I wasn’t expecting it at all though. So then he says “well let’s get together and continue this sometime”.

Crazy, huh?? I’m really realizing at this point in my life that I seem to be someone that people are attracted to! I never really thought of myself that way, but the more people I meet, the more this seems to be true. And get this, this is what I was wearing:
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An old League of Legends T-shirt and a heavy-ish button-up shirt (both of which used to be my brother’s, by the way). Apparently dudes can dig it though! When I was on the highway going into Vancouver earlier today, this cute blond guy kept looking over at me and I eventually smiled at him and he gave me the head nod. Also, when I was in Seattle wearing the same shirt, a guy repeatedly cat-called at me when my mom and I were sitting at a stoplight. I think the shirt possesses magical qualities! It’s not in any way sexy, but it sure gets the job done.

Also, I thought it was funny that I had to mentally stop my hand from grabbing his ass when we were kissing. I just realized tonight that if I’m standing up while kissing somebody, my right hand starts playing with their hair and my left hand goes for their ass.

There you go though. I have something to consider before I leave. ;p

1st PSL of the year

Ah, the Pumpkin Spice Latte. They’ve been out for at least a week or two now and I am finally enjoying one along with a chocolate marble mini loaf. The flavor of Pumpkin is so delicious and I’m so excited to be going back to school again with the Autumn atmosphere. 🙂 The University of Washington has such a gorgeous campus, even though it’s not an ivy league school, it sure feels like one when I walk around! I was told at my orientation that UW is the 16th best school in the country, but I just searched “top 20 best universities in america” and UW is #52 on one site and #55 on another. I wonder where the person that told us that got their info. Regardless though, it’s in the top 100, that’s pretty rad.  

I can’t believe I’m actually moving in 6 days though, it’s SO CRAZY!! I have never lived anywhere else in my entire life. My room has always been in the same place. Okay, I lived in Vancouver until I was 2, then my family moved to Washougal. So technically, the room I have now is the only room I remember having. But I’m so excited to leave all of my history and drama and ghosts behind. It’s everywhere I walk and drive and exist. It’ll be so nice to have a fresh start where I don’t have to worry about all that bullshit. And I’ll make new friends! New enemies too. ;P

And I’ll be living in Seattle! Rainy and wonderful! A city full of amazing discoveries and fish! The birthplace of grunge music! Not to mention a ton of asians live there and I am unabashedly a Japanophile.

Since my experience with my most recent ex, tattoos hold a sour place in my heart and I have been judging people that have them, but I think I need to stop doing that. Just because he had tattoo sleeves and was an asshole does not mean that everyone with tattoos is an asshole. But I’m still going to avoid dating people with them. The way my father puts it, “You shouldn’t make it any easier for the police to find you”. Because if you’ve got a tattoo, you’re just a little easier to find. I mean, I’m not a fucking criminal anyway, so I don’t know that it really matters anyway. Also, I have been thinking about Angel’s tattoo from the Buffy series and how I may or may not get it someday because BUFFY. Oh, and I just found out it’s an Irish thing. I’m Irish too! 😀

Anyway, I’m going to go now and see if I can’t get some studying done. 

7 months!

Wow, it has been over 7 months since I’ve posted anything! I haven’t been journaling either, I’m really bad at that. A lot has changed in my life!
I’m moving to Seattle next Saturday to start going to school at UW! I really can’t believe it’s finally happening. Part of me feels like my heart is going to be broken to all hell from missing my people and everything, but the other part of me knows for sure that I can’t wait to get out and this will be the best thing that’s happened to me recently! Two of my closest friends have a job at the same place right now and they’ve been making me feel a bit left out and loser-ish because I’ve been sitting around doing nothing/making mistakes for a few months and they’re both making money and having a different life that I’m not a part of. But I got accepted to UW and I’m going to study Japanese and get a really good job translating or teaching or something and I’ll be well off! That’s the plan anyway, I know those things don’t just happen because you want them to. I’m going to work really hard because I’m tired of doing nothing. I’ve done enough nothing for a lifetime. I’m going to grab my future by the balls and make it cry for mama!

In other news, I’m going to do some studying tomorrow morning at that Starbucks at the airport that I made a few blog posts at in the past. Perhaps I’ll think of a topic to write about before I get started studying, I want to get into this again. 🙂 Things I need to bring with me:

Laptop (and charger for just in case)
Textbook and Workbook
Pens and Pencils
Wallet for PSL or Salted Caramel Mocha :3
Earbuds for listening to Textbook CD

I wanna rock!

My friend Marian introduced me to an anime called Otome Youkai Zakuro, and I LOVE IT. SO MANY FEELS. It’s very unique and there’s not even shameless fanservice. Quality fucking show, here.

Anywho, I am planning on going to my ex-band mate’s birthday party with a good buddy of mine that was our stand-in drummer for like 6 months. ;P That’ll take place in about two and a half weeks, I think. It will be nice to see her and all of those other musicians again. I miss performing rock music SO MUCH.

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That photo was taken by the guy I want to get with. ;P I’m the chick with the bass, the drummer friend I’ll be going to that party with is the one on the drums (he wore a wig, lipstick, and eyeliner! we were an all-girl band, so he wanted to fit in. XD), and the one who’s birthday it is is the chick on the far left of the photo with a yellow guitar.

*sigh*

I hope I can find people to jam out with soon, I’m starting to go crazy without it.
Anyway, I’d better head off to bed (or try). It’s nearly 3AM! 

Heart you all.

Hangin’ in Seattle

Hey all! I’m in Seattle right now! What I’m about to say totally goes against what I said in my last post, but it’s how I’m feeling, so…
I don’t feel like I’m beautiful. :/
I made a brief appearance at a low-key company party that I took my mom to, and she told me today that a bunch of people approached her and were like, “your daughter is so beautiful!” and “does she always smile like that?” and various other compliments like that. No one ever tells me things like this unless they’re around my mom’s age, or are my mom or dad. 

Seriously!

Guys my age never tell me I’m beautiful! And my mom says it all the time, and it’s kind of sad that no one else really seems to think so. 

And no, I’m not posting this fishing for compliments, that’s what photobooth and facebook are for. I know I don’t really have any followers anyway. : P
I feel like I want to put more effort into looking good. This character from Chihayafuru season 2 sort of made me realize it.

 Image

I feel like her character is extreme about her looks, and she’s really self-centered, but I want to care at least a little bit about looking pretty. Maybe people would compliment me more often if I did.
The thing is, I have REALLY BAD HABITS:
-picking at my fingernails (and toenails) when they get even a tiny bit long. My first instinct should be to go to the clippers, but I have been picking at my nails for as long as I can remember.
-picking scabs. If I get a zit on my face, I have to try and pop it, and then if it becomes a scab, I have to pick it, let it heal, pick it, let it heal… I hate this about myself! I really want to stop these gross habits!
I want to maintain pretty fingernails and nice skin. 

Just putting my thoughts out.
That’s what wordpress is for! 

Ruv roo all.